I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up