I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
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still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
greetings!
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
🔥🔥
