I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex