I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
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While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
thats my bad
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?