I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
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Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.