I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
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Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
😅🤣😂
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.