Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa