I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
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Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
True.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Danger is very dangerous
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?