I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*