@SignsofNature

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

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@what_a_messs

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

@BoomBoomBetty

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

@Tmoney68

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

@UnicornSyrup

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

@Ms_WhateverV

“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress

@ThugRaccoons

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

@KeepsItRustic

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

@bogadafet

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…