I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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*feels the wind in my toe hair
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.