I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

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I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.


Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.


[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train


The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.


Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.


[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here


Accidentally swallowed some food coloring. I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside


I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.



ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state

SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground


Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.