“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?