Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

LOOOOOOL

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

How many? 🤔

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with