Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

guilty

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg