“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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that wasn’t the question
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
be safe out there!
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*