Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

For the baby who has everything

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

NASA has no chill

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that