Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

See..?

.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava