Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

i choose….tongue

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

Another interesting #factupdates post!

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….