Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

some things should go without saying

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

I love twitter

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

I have questions??

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid