Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

How to draw a duck

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?