Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

😆

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.