“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
*looks at you in batman voice*
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.