“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”