“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material