“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.