“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Trumpy Cat
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am