“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”