Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Something Saturday.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.