I…do not understand how electricity works.
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I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Seems legit.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.