I…do not understand how electricity works.
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So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.