I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
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excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’