I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
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I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?