I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
same but as an audience member
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
