I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
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*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
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If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.