Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

sleeping beauty

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.