@likeursoperfect

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

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@crow_death

I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.

@MaraWilson

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

@hstweetheart

Me: I want a pet dragon!

Life: HERE’S A CAT WITH IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.

@SortaBad

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@NrouteHQ

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

@squirrel74wkgn

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

@MartaEffing

Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.