I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
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Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.