I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
You Might Also Like
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: I want a pet dragon!
Life: HERE’S A CAT WITH IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.
Sign at funeral home: ALL SALES FINAL
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.