I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
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English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.