Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Breaking news:

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!