Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

Oops

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.