Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.