I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
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him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…