wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.