I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Damn what did I do next
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I know karate and tons of other words.
Breaking news:
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .