I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
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i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”