I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
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Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War