I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough