Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Truth

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

Hmm, not sure about this change

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.