I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
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The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
The Compass
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that