I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
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Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
The Sun
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly