I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
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I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere