Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.