I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT