Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

◾️

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge