Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant