I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
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doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas