Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

happy valentine’s day to me

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

i want to work in this restaurant

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?