@IamEnidColeslaw

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

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@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

@senderblock23

No, I said I wanted to BING you on my kitchen counter. You know, the popular search engine?

@Brianhopecomedy

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

@jaeIeon

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

@English_Channel

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

@MorticiaKate

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

@mkpaulsen

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.