I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Someone is eating pineapple on pizza!
Me: PUT THE PIZZA DOWN, KAREN! THE COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My neighbour overheard me wish a “long and prosperous life” to the spider I released outside. I’m worried he’ll get the wrong impression that I’m similarly warm-hearted towards people.