I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea