@IamEnidColeslaw

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

You Might Also Like

@ThaJawn

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Someone is eating pineapple on pizza!
911: That’s-
Me: PUT THE PIZZA DOWN, KAREN! THE COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY!

@JB4Realz

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

@Iwriteforcats

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@OldUncleDaveO

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

@FuckabillyRex

I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

@CoopFogg

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbour overheard me wish a “long and prosperous life” to the spider I released outside. I’m worried he’ll get the wrong impression that I’m similarly warm-hearted towards people.