@IamEnidColeslaw: I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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@jergarl: Wife:Did you take ambien last night? Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that's on fire* No, why? W:The dog's wearing a saddle and she's orange.
@UNTRESOR: [meeting GF's mom] Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I'm overselling this, aren't I?
@BoomBoomBetty: Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer. Me: Oh that will never happen. Him: Are you breaking up with me? Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.