I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Remember folks 😂
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
shakira sharkira
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.