I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well