i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
You Might Also Like
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
The point of your 20s
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.