i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.