i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
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*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.