i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
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It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean