i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

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“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”


*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something


[watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen


I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.


did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”


I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.


One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.


MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE