@gabbybendel

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

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@JohnLyonTweets

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

@DaddyJew

*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

@sonictyrant

[watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen

@SondraDeeMe

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

@murrman5

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

@dmc1138

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

@Ilovelamp1979

One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.

@ArfMeasures

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE