i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
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If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.