Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

He instantly became one of the bros

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

Room with a view.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.