I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Note to self: I am a note
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own