I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
one of
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A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)