I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Rather alarming headline…
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
