I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
