I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..