I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.