Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.