I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
💁🏻♂️
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.