I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
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My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.